Confession!!!

I have some confessions.......

I'm not sure if you will believe or even understand what I am going to say but I feel like God wants me to say it. What is "IT"??? Well...... its my confessions about my life.
1) Since I was about 12 years old I decided that I wanted to be a Children's Minister/ Director. I loved being around children, baby sitting younger children in the church, teaching Children's Church, leading VBS game time, starting a children's reach out program through operation inasmuch, from doing skits for children, and going to children's camps all summer long. For some people watching and being around children for more than an hour is more than they can handle but, not for me. I could be around them all day and find peace and joy in every moment that came along the way. However; here is one of my confessions that I'm not proud of. I haven't been following God when it comes to him leading me to work with children. You see I have been so focused on what I WANT and HOW I WILL do things when the future comes. Do you see and understand what's wrong with what I just said? I haven't let God lead me or teach me about anything that I need to know about teaching and leading the children.
2) I have let everyone who has ever looked up to me or has seen me as a role model down. :(
You see when you are a role model or a leader that someone goes to for advice you should be grounded in the Lord. A great role model will influence you to read your bible and to pray everyday to God. A leader will check up on you to just say I hope you have a great day. They pray to God and ask you to have a great day. When a hard day hits you like a ton of bricks that leader is ready to answer the phone and calm you down. Showing and telling you that the storm might be huge right now but soon the waves will slowly calm down. They make you laugh and smile and brighten your day. They are your hero! Here's where confession #2 comes in..... I am not a role model, leader or a hero. I act like no one else has problems and life is all about me. I imagine that the world would stop if I wasn't there to keep it going. I have made myself believe that I am this amazing leader who is helping people left and right but this is not true. I have become a selfish person who pushes the needs of others aside. I am not proud of who I have become.
3) I am not who you think that I am! I have pushed everyone out of my life keeping secrets, holding in anger, holding in pain, holding back tears from rolling down my face. I have become invisible by not allowing anyone in my life and pushing others away from the real Sam. Instead I just keep at everyone at a distance so that way I can't get hurt. But by doing this I have caused myself so much pain and heart break....... I feel so alone, empty, lost, confused and unloved. Now I know what your thinking "Sam, I love you, I care about you, I am here for you" but your not understanding what I am saying. I wont let you people in my life because when I do it always leads to pain and heartache. I am afraid of people leaving me and not wanting me. I am afraid that people don't want me around and that I just get in the way. However; when I keep people out of my life and push them away I feel like the pain isn't there and that everything is okay. I have a best friend above all the rest. He has been there for me over these past few years when I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through another day. I love my best friend with all my heart but here comes confession #3. I have allowed my heart to become like stone. Even my best friend in the world I have pushed away. I have let anger in my heart and pushed him away from me without him even knowing. No longer do I tell him when I'm upset or when I was hurt but I just lied and put on my fake smile for everyone to see. I have hidden away the real me and put up a front that everything is great.

Confession #1 - I am not the person that God wants me to be when it comes to leading children and teaching them about Jesus.
Confession #2- I am not the role model that God wants me to be when it comes to leading the youth and younger children at my church.
Confession #3- I am not the inspiring person that God wants me to be when it comes to being a true follower of Christ.

I would like to apologize to everyone who reads this blog. I have become selfish, cruel and conceited. I have forgotten everything that the Bible teaches about loving others, teaching others, and not being two-faced. This is not the person I should be. God has so much planned for my life and I have let him down big time :(
I have also let everyone else who knows me down. Please forgive me for becoming more like a statue than a loving and supporting young woman that God is molding me to be.

This is my confessions, Lord please help me.